Believe it or not, there are some poetic moments in accounting, or so I’m told.
At the launch of my collection Mistaken for a Real Poet as part of New Poets 16, Steve Evans heard me read my poem Caution: This Office May Damage Your Health. Steve is Senior Lecturer in the Department of English and Creative Writing at Flinders University. He is also poetry editor of the journal Accounting, Auditing & Accountability Journal (London). Steve liked the poem and will be publishing it in the journal in the coming months.
The poem was also Poem of the Month for the Friendly Street meeting in Goolwa in April 2010, and published in the Friendly Street Reader 35
Caution – This Office May Damage Your Health
It’s the tea room gossip that irks ya
It stings and blinds ya
With its he said and she said
And you’ll never guess and the bloody
Oh my God! Oh my God!
What was she thinking?
You thought at first they were all dull and grey
But it turns out the place is like a Bangkok brothel
It’s the tea room gossip that irks ya
It’s the mobile phone ring tones that needles ya
They frazzles and dulls your brain
Bleating from unattended desks
Tinny tones of the latest TV soap theme
Or over and over again some comedy show catch phrase
Possibly mildly amusing the first time
Irritating the second and then increasingly exasperating
Until you swear you’ll bring a sledgehammer in tomorrow
And smash the bloody thing to smithereens
It’s the mobile phone ring tones that needles ya
It’s the meetings that drives ya to distraction
They numbs and deadens ya
The ‘purely for decorative purposes’ agenda
The action items never to be actioned
The head spinning pointless Powerpoints
With ballistic bullets and apoplectic arrows
Meaningless as a mission statement
And sleep inducing presenters talking to the wall
It’s the meetings that drives ya to distraction
But it’s the clichés that finally does ya head in
They blisters and rips ya
As you’re listening to a heads up about world’s best practice
Getting incentivized to leap from behind the 8 ball
Through a 24 by 7 window of opportunity
Into a whole new ball game on a level playing field
Moving forward, at the end of the day
In this rapidly changing globalised environment
Yes it’s the clichés that finally does ya head in
© Mike Hopkins 2011
mistakenforarealpoet 
Yes, for ‘accountancy’ read ‘bureaucracy’ I reckon. I’ve managed to avoid staff meetings (as a teacher) for most of this year thankfully. The whole mission/ vision statement bullshit seems to have infected almost every form of employment these days. Sections of curriculum are called “Learnings” now! George Orwell predicted all this gobbledook in 48 when he wrote 84!
Front and centre, man.
Dawn Colsey
I remember a time when I was working and had to fess up and admit I had no idea what a KPI was. It’s all fun if you let it be.
Agreed Rob. The line “meaningless as a mission statement” is one of my personal favourites. Good luck in Japan
I love your words here, well done on capturing it all to share with others.
I’m in the fortunate position of being unemployed and almost unemployable. When I go to meetings, I’m there for the free coffee and food, the funny faces made, and the hilarious pronouncements made with full pomp and ceremony.
I can smile enigmatically and keep my thoughts to myself, or I can shout with laughter at the stupidity of it all. The worst they can do to me is throw me out and ban me from their silly meetings.
Yes, my life as a poet with a chronic illness truly is a great life!
Thanks gd. Keep treating those meetings with the respect they deserve!
Ah tea room politics… nothing harder to navigate. Congrats on the launch of your collection Mike!
Thanks Graham. Hope to see you in Adelaide again before too long.