What’s the old saying? “Never piss off a writer”.
So here’s a new piece, second draft, and written as an experiment in rhymes and half-rhymes.
I’m really keen on getting feedback on it – critical suggestions of ways to improve it, lines which you think work, or don’t work. Not just “I like it” or “I don’t like it”, but specifics.
If you have time, please leave a comment. Or if you’d prefer to do it more discreetly, email me (you can find my email in the “about mistakenforarealpoet’ page at the top of the screen).
If I get significant feedback, I’ll post a summary, and the next version of the poem.
Doing the “I’m self righteous”
So he meets her in the café
and he lets her buy the coffee
and he does the “I’m self righteous”
and she does the “I done wrong”
He’s kept a mental tally
and he’s working up this theory
that she only wants his money
and he’s laying sanctimony
on his outraged acrimony
and his heart is cold and brittle
for he’s found that she is fickle
He thinks of times together
How she showed him how to love her
How she proffered him her body
How she led him to believe her
yet was sleeping with another
and she hid the other lover
It was easy to deceive him
so he does the “I’m self righteous”
and she does the “I done wrong”
And he knows this final meeting
she might think his heart is bleeding
but he’ll cover up his needing
he refuses this competing
with another man she’s cheating
and even though he’s yearning
for her touch his skin is burning
and he sensed that she was changing
but was caught up in his courting
so he couldn’t see the markings
yet it only took one question
‘til she whispered her confession
and it hit him in his stomach
like a hammer blow or gunshot
Did you do something you regret?
Yes I took a man to my bed
She’d been feeling sad and needy
The words slipped from her easy
In drunken stupor lusting
For a man she’d known before him
and she knew the price that she’d pay
So he meets her in the café
and he lets her buy the coffee
for he’s kept a mental tally
and they play their roles precisely
he whips up his indignation
and seeking vindication
leaves her sitting in stunned silence
yes he’s feeling so self righteous
and she’s feeling so damned wrong
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