Parliament House – Cleaning Contractor Report
August 24th 2018
Claim for Additional Payment
Our monthly charge for cleaning Parliament House covers the items, areas and services recorded in our contract (CC2018PD345/13). This additional claim is submitted for the extraordinary work of cleaning and refurbishment on the evening of August 24th 2018, identified herewith:
- Large bloodstained areas around, under and immediately behind the front bench.
- Deep incisions in the furniture inflicted by several sharp instruments.
- Blood spatter on walls. More than usual.
- Several areas of severe soakage, some still warm (urine?), others cold (tears?)
- Around the opposition benches, also areas of severe soakage (tears of laughter?).
- Deep indentations on walls and the backs of seats, as if inflicted by members’ foreheads.
- Extensive deep drag marks in the carpets leading to the exits, as if a body, maybe several bodies had been pulled, heels down, out of the building, to be disposed of.
- Unusual amounts of rotten tomatoes, banana skins and crumpled ransom notes.
- Several piles of vomit in the public gallery.
- Most difficult to deal with are the heaps of excrement. They resemble those found at another of our clients, an abattoir, at the point where animals realise their fate.
We attach our bill for additional payment, in the amount of $22,000, due to the need to call in specialist staff and equipment to deal with the above, and to provide trauma counselling to those staff.
Manager, Canberra Corporate Cleaning Pty. Ltd
Copyright Mike Hopkins 2018 Note to Australian Federal Police - this is a work of fiction Special thanks to Rachael Mead for the workshop in which this was drafted.