Parliament House – Cleaning Contractor Report

Parliament House – Cleaning Contractor Report

August 24th 2018

Claim for Additional Payment


Our monthly charge for cleaning Parliament House covers the items, areas and services recorded in our contract (CC2018PD345/13). This additional claim is submitted for the extraordinary work of cleaning and refurbishment on the evening of August 24th 2018, identified herewith:

  • Large bloodstained areas around, under and immediately behind the front bench.
  • Deep incisions in the furniture inflicted by several sharp instruments.
  • Blood spatter on walls. More than usual.
  • Several areas of severe soakage, some still warm (urine?), others cold (tears?)
  • Around the opposition benches, also areas of severe soakage (tears of laughter?).
  • Deep indentations on walls and the backs of seats, as if inflicted by members’ foreheads.
  • Extensive deep drag marks in the carpets leading to the exits, as if a body, maybe several bodies had been pulled, heels down, out of the building, to be disposed of.
  • Unusual amounts of rotten tomatoes, banana skins and crumpled ransom notes.
  • Several piles of vomit in the public gallery.
  • Most difficult to deal with are the heaps of excrement. They resemble those found at another of our clients, an abattoir, at the point where animals realise their fate.

We attach our bill for additional payment, in the amount of $22,000, due to the need to call in specialist staff and equipment to deal with the above, and to provide trauma counselling to those staff.

Yours Faithfully,





F. Carpenter
Manager, Canberra Corporate Cleaning Pty. Ltd





Copyright Mike Hopkins 2018

Note to Australian Federal Police - this is a work of fiction
Special thanks to Rachael Mead for the workshop in which this was drafted.

10 thoughts on “Parliament House – Cleaning Contractor Report

  1. Excellent stuff. However there is one body fluid missing, which is surprising given that most politicians are w*nkers…

  2. Good morning young Mike, you are so clever and makes me laugh when I thought it was all disgraceful.

    I have just had a lovely week off and the sun shone everyday – it was hard to stomach the greyness of this place this morning. I did have to attend a friend’s funeral and she had just turned 60 in July – very sad and hard for her family.

    Let me know if you are floating around town for a catch up. I did answer a few referee calls for places in Norwood weeks ago – have you moved? We can always do the eastern suburbs after work.


  3. Great work Mike! Thank you for being with as yesterday at Rachael’s workshop and the poetry reading later, What a fine time we all had in Gawler!

  4. Michael, was this the result of the unfortunate visit by the US supposed commander in chief?

    Sent from my iPhone


    • Ah, he hasn’t set foot here yet. No doubt he will inspire many creative responses all round. But we have our own versions of him in our so-called government, intent on their own egos rather than the good of the country.

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