Poem a Day 2013 #19: Uniform

Poem number 19.

Perhaps a touch of Henry Reed’s “Naming of Parts”. A bit more work will link the three parts together better, and maybe add more sections, but I like the idea.



This is your Enhanced Combat Helmet

which may or may not stop a high velocity projectile entering your brain

This is your Boonie Hat

which is supposed to provide a camouflage effect if you happen to be hiding from enemy combatants in the jungle

This is your Cap Badge

which identifies your nationality in the unlikely event that you get mixed up with another army

This is your Disruptive Pattern Camouflage Uniform

which has material of five colours randomly arranged and in theory will match the surroundings in which you operate

This is your Jump Smock

in case you have to use a parachute. Note the crotch is designed not to bellow on descent.

This is your Slouch Hat

which is not of much use but is favoured for those times when you appear in public or in front of the media. Note that one side droops whilst the other is pinned up.

This is your Unit Colour Patch

which you will wear on your Slouch Hat to indicate the unit to which you belong.


These are your Doc Marten boots

which you will use to kick the shit out of any Pakis, coons, gooks or other unfortunates you happen to dislike

These are your Levi 501s

which you may either roll up or shorten to draw attention to your deadly boots

These are your Braces

preferably half to three-quarter inches thick and black or red.  They are used, not to keep your jeans up, but to flex with your thumbs

This is your Ben Sherman shirt

with button down collar. Do NOT wear a tie with it, and keep the colour muted to match the surroundings in which you operate

This is your Denim Jacket

which you may decorate with badges to indicate the unit to which you belong



These are your black leather boots

into which your jeans must be tucked. The toes are pointed to inflict damage when applied forcefully to an opponent’s genitals.

These are your denims

which preferably should be allowed to accumulate dirt and motor oil

This is your white scarf

which may keep the wind from blowing down the back of your neck, but otherwise just looks slick

This is your black leather jacket

which will provide some protection as well as blend in with the tarmac on which you operate

These are your white socks

which should be long enough to roll over the top of your boots.

These are your jacket patches

which you may stitch to your jacket to indicate the unit to which you belong.

Copyright Mike Hopkins 2013


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